A Trip to the Ranch
by Quack Quack 88
Summary: Ruined with dollops of crap. Lily Invites her friends and boyfriend with her and her family to a horse ranch. Too bad that pesky Petunia always gets in the way. LJ PG-13 for some sugestive behavior
1. That's NOT a Horse!!!

Disclaimer: Do you really think I own any of this? I'm flattered but i own nothing here. Well I own the plot. J.K. Rowling and who she sees fit to own this, own this.  
  
A/N: I really don't feel like writing an intoduction for all the characters. I'm sure you know and love them all. But heres the deal: Lily has brought all her friends, boyfriend and boyfriend's friends, along with her to a horse ranch. Her family is also there. Lily's best friend is Emily and this takes place the summer before their seventh year. So now on with the story!  
  
  
  
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A Trip to the Ranch  
  
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"Ok chaps, let me explain something important. Petunia, my sister, is totally freaked of magic. So do as many spells as you can think of infront of her. Oh, and my parents will love you if you show them magic." (A/N that one decree hadn't been made yet.) Lily Evans was going to a horse ranch with her friends and family.  
  
"Ohh I haven't seen your bugger of a sister since last summer. Remember when she ran out of the house screaming when we turned her teacup into a frog?" asked a chucking Emily.  
  
"I'm afraid she's only gotten worse. She's been trying to work with make-up and all it does is make her look even more like a horse! The worst part is she refuses to shave her legs. She thinks her blonde hair is much better than my auburn. She tries to make me jealous of her hair so she won't part with one strand. Let's all hope she doesn't wear any tank-tops." Lily's statement was earning disgusted looks from the boys and bemused looks from the girls.  
  
Lily was in a train car with her best friends, Emily Bones and Bridget Mckinnon, her boyfriend, James Potter, and James' friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. They were on the Hogwarts Express having just finished their sixth year. The seven freinds were all going straight to Lily's house and then they would depart for the horse ranch. The friends would stay at the ranch for two weeks. Peter would only stay three days because his mother wanted him home. Ever since Peter's father had died, Mrs. Pettigrew's life consisted only of Peter.  
  
"Speaking of dearest 'Tunia, Lily and I have a slight little favor to ask of you mates. Petty will do *anything* to make Lily miserable, and I mean *anything.* Sooooooooo..." Emily drawled, " we need for Remus and Bridget to be the couple here. Lily and James will supposedly hate each other and the reason that everyone is here is because Lily wanted Bridget to come, but Bridget needed Remus with her. It would be weird for there to be only one boy so thats why James, Sirius and Peter are comming." She said this last part VERY fast.  
  
The group, minus Lily, all stared at her with different expressions on their faces. Remus and Bridget were blushing; they both fancied each other since third year but were both too shy to admit it. James looked a little upset that he would have to hate Lily again. In the first three years of their schooling, they detested each other but then, as time went on, they began to accept each other. Now they had been an item for about two months. They had both left a long trail of broken hearts when they started dating. Sirius looked shocked that Lily and Emily could come up with such a complicated plan and not tell anyone. Peter looked disentested, after all he would only have to deal with three days of this.  
  
James and Lily's eyes met and the next minute they left the compartment. They gave the excuse that they were going off to discuss how to hate each other again. The whole group knew that they were just going off to snogg but no one said anything. Emily entertained the group with stories of what she, Lily and sometimes Bridget had done to Lily's sister. Everyone else had seen at least one picture of Petunia and they all remarked on how she looked so much like a horse.  
  
When the train reached platfrom 9 3/4, the group filed out of the car and they went through the barrier. Lily and James had returned minutes earlier, both looking rather tossled. Lily squealed in delight when she saw her parents and led her friends over to them.  
  
"Hello Tiger. How was your term?"  
  
"Great! And here are my friends: James Potter," she said James' name with just a note of fake bitterness.  
  
James shook Lily's parents' hands, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Evans."  
  
"Oh please dear, call us Heather and Charles," Heather said.  
  
"And here's Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. And of course you know Bridget and Emily.  
  
The group exchanged "Hello's" and "How do you do's" and got into the Evans's car. The space was more than a little tight so Lily sat on James's lap, Bridget sat on Remus's lap and Emily sat on Sirius's lap. Peter had to sit on the floor. Lily and James pretended to be unhappy with the seating arangements but they were secretly bursting with joy. Remus and Bridget were blushing furiously which made Heather and Charles wonder about that relationship, and Sirius and Emily were nonchalant. They had absolutely NO chemistry. Peter was unhappy about having to be the one on the floor but he was relived that he didn't have a girl stitting on his lap.  
  
The whole car ride passed with James and Lily bickering, Remus and Bridget blushing and having akward silences, Sirius and Emily making small talk, Peter dreading riding a horse and Charles and Heather contemplating how strange Remus and Bridget's relationship was. If this was the way all couples at Hogwarts acted, they need not worry about Lily.  
  
As the car pulled into the driveway, Remus and Bridget dashed out of the car, Sirius and Bridget acted totaly normal, Peter got out of the car just moments after Remus and Bridget. Lily and James were reluctant to leave for this might be the last time Lily would sit on his lap for two whole weeks! Lily led everyone up to her room so that they could all put their luggage down.  
  
"Where is Petunia, Mum?" yelled Lily, down the stairs.  
  
"She went out with some of her friends, love. I'm sorry I know how much you were looking foward to seeing her."  
  
"Petty has friends?" questioned Lily, in a voice that only her friends could hear.  
  
As soon as Petunia returned, everyone got into two cars and started out for the ranch. Heather and Charles let Lily drive one car with her friends. That car seated eight and the car that Heather, Charles and Petunia drove only seated five but Petunia was bringing her friend, Yvonne, with her for company. (A/N I got that name from the book! although I doubt Petunia could keep a friend for about twenty years)  
  
Though Lily was supposed to drive she handed the keys over to Emily who was also Muggle-born and knew how to drive. She and James took the very back seats and snogged the whole time. This was a six hour drive. Sirius thought this had to be a school record. Lily and James exchanged glances- obviously he hadn't heard about the eightteen hour session they had last month.  
  
When they arrived at the ranch, it was eleven p.m and all anyone wanted to do was sleep. The next moring, they all woke up to a glorious summer day. They had rented three cabins. Heather, Charles, Petunia and Yvonne in one; James, Sirius, Remus and Peter in another; and Lily, Emily and Bridget in the last one. They all went to eat breakfast in the first cabin. Whenever Yvonne wasn't looking, One person either transfigured an eating utensil, charmed the napkins or exploaded the remaining muffins. Petunia got very angry and vowed to get revenge. The rest of the day passed very enjoyably for everyone. The magical people had fun just riding the horses, the muggle girls spent all day gossiping and trying to flirt with some of the ugly ranch hands. The adults rode horses, learned about the ranch and talked about which of the boys they would prefer as a son-in- law.  
  
"Lets see, I just can't picture our Lily with that Peter boy," said Heather.  
  
"I quite agree. their names don't even sound good together. Lily and Peter. It doesn't do a thing for me."  
  
"Oh I do hope its not that Sirius fellow. He would simply rip apart their house!'  
  
"Yes and he is more like the big brother Lily never had."  
  
"Remus is far too shy for our darling Lily."  
  
"And he seems to be involved with Bridget"  
  
"Too bad Lily and James don't get along well."  
  
"Yes he's ideal for her. Lily needs a chalange like James."  
  
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As Lily's parents were conversing, Lily and James were trying to convince Sirius and Emily to participate in their little plan. Lily knew how nosy Petunia was and how risky it would be for James and her to kiss with Petunia within ten miles. As soon as Petunia knew that Lily was happy with James, she would do anything to tear them apart. Lily wasn't worried about James leaving her for her sister. It took only one look in the mirrior to see why Lily was more liked than Petunia. Lily was tall with a model's figure, bright emerald eyes and wavy auburn hair that reached her waist. Petunia had a face like a horse, neck like a girraffe's and figure like a pole. Her hair was the color of straw from dying it so much and her blue eyes were pale and dull from her always being discontented. No, Petunia wouldn't try to steal James from her, she would just tell him nasty things about her.  
  
Lily and James were supposed to just keep their hands off of each other but they found that incredably hard to do. They thought of a plan in which they stage a game of truth or dare and someone would dare them to kiss and if they didn't they had to become their slaves. They would refuse and the person who dared them would make them kiss constantly. Sirius and Emily happily agreed to this.  
  
That night after they had played truth or dare and were asleep, Petunia had still not forgotten about what had happened at breakfast. She dicided to steal something that was vital from each person. She stole various things from everyone but she wasn't good at judging things' importance. She took usless stuff until she got to James's room. There she found his glasses. She pocketed those and went back to her cabin to gossip about what kind of pajamas the boys slept in.  
  
Petunia was sure to be outside of the boys' cabin that moring when James woke up. James thought that he might have left his glasses in the girls' cabin last night. He dicided to mount the horse that was outside of his cabin and ride over to Lily's cabin. 'Strange,' he thought, 'the horses aren't usually tethered by the cabins. Oh well, this will just get me to Lily's faster.'  
  
Petunia was frightened when James came out of the cabin and headed straight for her. She was on the verge of having a heart attack when he tried to climb up on her.  
  
'This horse is too bony and it smells awful. I wonder if this is Sirius's idea of a joke. Why won't this horse let me mount?' by now James was very confused.  
  
As luck would have it, Lily was on her way to James's cabin that mouring. She was wondering if she left her scrunchie at his cabin (they had been busy last night). She came too find James trying to mount her sister! Lily had to do a double take.  
  
"POTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SISTER??????"  
  
James froze. 'oh great now I've really screwed up.'  
  
Lily stared some more and began to understand. James was missing his glasses and Petunia was looking espically horse like today. Her clothes were way to tight and her make-up just accented her horse-like features. She was in shock but then remembered that they had to keep up the act.  
  
"Jesh, are you that lonely that you had to go for my sister? She and I aren't the best of friends but she deserves better than your akward humping styles. Did i walk in on the move that all the girls keep talking about?"  
  
"Sorry Evans but your sister is just so much funkier (hey this is the 70s here) than you i couldn't resist. And I thought you were used to the move I was using. The guys in the locker room tell me that you have perfected it, although, your sister was the perfect example of how the move is done."  
  
While Lily and James were screaming at each other, Petunia was just about to wet her pants.  
  
"Well at least she's not as fat as you. I can climb on her."  
  
"The only reason you can't get on me is because I at least have some self respect." Lily was trying really hard to laugh. She could only hope James said something really stupid next.  
  
"Why do you have to be such a bloody... bloody... bloody... STUPID PERSON." Lily got her wish and started cracking up.  
  
James soon joined her in laughing. "Potter I think that the smell from the stables is getting to you. You don't even insult me properly."  
  
While all of this was happening, Petunia snuck back to her cabin to tell Yvonne about her adventure.  
  
When Lily and James were sure that they were alone, they began snogging wildly. Little did they know that Sirius was taping all of this with Charles's camcorder.  
  
"So Lily, care to see why all the girls are swooning?'  
  
"Care to see it done to perfection?"  
  
"But then I'll appear even more akward"  
  
Lily slapped him playfully, "You would have to be akward, I seem to be too fat to climb."  
  
James was jsut about to retort when they both heard someone clear their throat. They looked up to find Sirius standing over them and smirking.  
  
"James, my boy, you seem to be very busy today and its only eight a.m."  
  
The couple stood up and brushed their clothes off. James picked up his glasses and the three went to breakfast.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Soooooo should I write more? review and tell me.  
  
Sorry if you are offended by any of this. I myself, thought that it was pretty funny but what do I know right? I tried to use Brittish slang but I haven't been to England in seven years. Sorry about the spelling or grammar mistakes. REVIEW!!! 


	2. In Which Petunia Has a Tough Time

A/N: Some of you guys are strange. You want MORE of this crazy story? Oh well. I aim to please. I'll write a longer A/N at the end.  
  
Disclaimer: See other chapter.  
  
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A Trip to the Ranch  
  
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Chapter Two: In Which Petunia Has a Tough Time  
  
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The rest of the day passed by as would be expected. Lily and James kept sneaking off together, Sirius said some things to a female stable hand that earned him a smart slap, Remus and Bridget were warming up to each other a bit, Peter kept scaring his horse and falling off, and Emily found a few admirers.  
  
Petunia had spent the whole day with Yvonne, trying to get some men to notice them. None did. They were all following Emily around or too busy working. Petunia hadn't told Yvonne about what had happened that mouring. Petunia had taken everything the wrong way and now she thought James was an overly lustful person who wanted Petunia as his next conquest. She had unfounded suspisions that Lily was rather loose with her sexual favors. How else could she have this many guy friends?  
  
Lily, James and Sirius wasted no time in telling the others about Petunia. Everyone thought it was hilarious, and, lets face it, it was. Now everytime Petunia passed by one of them, they made horse noises. Peter was by far, the best at this. Petunia was flattered in some odd way by James' actions. She tried to hold it over Lily's head that such an atractive man would consider her sexy. Its amazing how her head could be so big, yet she was so stupid.  
  
"Guys the dare thing isn't really working for me and James." Lily was losing patince with the situation.  
  
"Yes. That's why we have concocted a new plan."  
  
"Ok then, lets hear it." Sirius was getting tired of "daring" Lily and James to snogg in his presence.  
  
"Well we figured that we could just change our appearances and names and no one would be the wiser. We just need you to make up excuses to my parents and Petty where we are. Will you do it?" Lily looked at her friends with a look that no person in their right minds could resist.  
  
"Uhhh anything for you Lily."  
  
"I'd love to."  
  
"Count me in"  
  
" Do you really think I would say no?"  
  
"I guess it won't hurt."  
  
"Great. We'll be right back!" Lily and James went into the woods. Probably to get their disguises.  
  
When the couple came back, Lily was wearing a black wig and James was wearing a blonde one. They were wearing outfits that you would expect to see at a disco night club. James was dressed in a green leisure suit and Lily was wearing Go-Go boots, a plastic dress and a cabbie hat. Her outfit was neon pink and orange. The others stared at them in disgust.  
  
"Eww guys. Couldn't you just cool off? Or do you have to wear those particular outfits?"  
  
"Yeah, those awful colors are hurting my eyes."  
  
Lily was a bit upset about her friend's reactions. "No, no, no! We need these outfits because everyone knows that we would never wear this stuff. And when you see us, call me Lucy and James, John. Do you think we like wearing these horrid threads?"  
  
"Ok Lucy it is time for us to go. We'll talk to you guys later."  
  
"Oh and feel free to have some fun with dearest Tunia while we're gone," Lily called out after her.  
  
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Petunia carefully aproached Sirius. She was a bit scared of him since he made stuff explode at mealtimes.  
  
"Erm hullo?"  
  
"Oh dear Jamesie was just looking for you."  
  
"He was? Well did he say where he was going?"  
  
"Hmmmm. I believe he was going to the Roller Disco. He said that if I saw you, to tell you to meet him there and wear the most revealing thing you can find."  
  
"Ohh," Petunia said softly.  
  
"I must say," Sirius continued, "it's a pitty how James got to you first. You contain this sort of animal magnetism that I find impossible to resist." Sirius was about to toss his cookies at the look Petunia was giving him now  
  
"Well," said Petunia, trying to make her voice low and raspy, she was failing miserably and she just sounded like a heavy smoker who couldn't use their voice box well anymore, "maybe I'll stop by your room on my way out."  
  
Sirius barely nodded his head. He had never been more disgusted in his life. He made a point to himself not to go anywhere near his room tonight.  
  
With that, Petunia went off to find a slutty outfit and cake on her make-up.  
  
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Three hours later, Petunia stepped out of her room looking like a street walker. She had used up half of her make-up supply and the excess was flaking off. She was wearing a micro mini that looked like it was made for a person five times smaller than her. The worst part was her top. It was a midriff tube top that was ment for someone with a bigger bust than Petunia. it looked as if it would fall off any second. Everyone was praying that it stayed up long enough to get her out of sight.  
  
Petunia still failed to shave her legs of armpits. While the hair on her head was thin and blonde, the other hair was thick and dark. Sirius put a camera in his room to take a picture to show James and Lily later on. He was not in his room. He was currently trying to teach Remus and Bridget how to act like a normal couple. He was not the best person to be doing this; none of his realtionship were really "normal" either it was too short or just strange.  
  
When the flash went off in Sirius' room, Petunia fell backward and broke one of her six inch heels. She didn't have any bigger heels so she just wore the broken ones to the disco. Another thing happened that she didn't notice. Her skirt had gone up in back and revealed granny panties with several skid marks. The camera took another picture to capture the fallen Petunia.  
  
When Petunia walked into the disco, the music stopped and everyone turned to face her. There was absolute silence until the music started up again and everyone burst out laughing. 'They must be shocked at my funkiness,' she thought. She dicided to attract a lot of attention to herself so that James would notice her. She got right on top of the dj booth and started doing these awful dance moves. She was doing this complicated motion when her other heel broke. She fell down from on top the booth and, in mid fall, her top came undone and flew off. Petty wasn't one for unnessary garments so she wore nothing under the top. Once everyone saw her, there was a mad rush for the bathrooms so that everyone could vomit. Only two people didn't notice Petunia's grotesque behavior. A teenager in a green leisure suit and another in a pink and orange Go-Go outfit were too involved in each other to play attention to some undressed girl.  
  
"Hey Lucy, where did they all go?"  
  
::gasp::"Who cares. Now we're alone."  
  
"No we're late. We need to get back and changed before dinner."  
  
"Damnit! Let's go."  
  
The couple left and Petunia sat alone. Still calling out, "James? Where are you? I'm over here. Do you see me?"  
  
The owner came by soon to close the disco for the night due to lack of customers. He found a passed out girl with no top. He expected to find a young man nearby but the girl was all alone. He kicked her out and closed his club.  
  
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Petunia woke up and went home at about three in the morning. She fell asleep in her own room and later woke up again and went to breakfast. Lily and all of her friends were already there. She was greeted by various horse noises. She ignored them and helped herself to a bowl of cereal. She caught Lily and James looking at each other strangely.  
  
"Is there something going on between you and James?" she finally got the nerve to ask.  
  
"Petty are you always this stupid or are you just putting on a special show for my friends and Potter. How could you even think that something could even go on between Potter and myself? That is just all kinds of wrong." Lily pretened to be very upset about this.  
  
Petunia was speechless. Finally she came out with, "I-I-I'm g-g-going t-t-to g-g-go ch-ch-check on Yv-Yv-Yvonne."  
  
Everyone laughed at this and then they all had to say their good- bye's to Peter. He was leaving today. Lily was sad to see him go. She liked how he was still so much like a little boy at times. She always felt the need to protect him.  
  
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Petunia met a very unhappy Yvonne when she went up to see her. Yvonne was holding a picture of Petunia from last night.  
  
"You went out without me? Last night all I did was sleep while you were out partying. I can't believe you! How could you?  
  
Petunia shifted her feet uncomfortably. She was looking for the right words to say.  
  
"Yvonne I-"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: So... Will Petunia and Yvonne make up? What will Petunia say? Does anyone even care? Sorry if this was a little strange. I just had a ton of frosting. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I feel super special now! REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!! 


	3. Did I Just See What I Think I Saw?

A/N: And now, the highly anticipated new installment of the "A Trip to the Ranch" series. . . YAY! Sorry, I haven't updated this story for a while, I've been too involved with my other main fic, "In the Dictionary", which, by the way, barely anyone is reviewing. ::sigh:: I guess I can't have it all. . . This fic seems to be more popular though. I have about 20 reviews for two chapters. That is really good for me! I'm sure I've just bored you so here we go.  
  
Disclaimer: I own the plot and some of the names that you don't recognize. Don't sue. It will make me feel like poo. Look! I rhymed! Yay! Go me!  
  
  
  
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A Trip to the Ranch  
  
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Chapter Three: Did I Just See What I Think I Saw?  
  
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Yvonne was looking at Petunia with the utmost anger. She was moving her hand, as if she wanted nothing more than to wrap them around Petunia's neck and squeeze the life out of her.  
  
"Yvonne, I-I-I'm-I'm-"  
  
"You're what? Sorry? Well sorry doesn't cut it! You used up half a bottle of my make-up! Now, I don't have anything to wear on my date with that guy from the gift shop!" Yvonne had met a thirty year-old man yesterday at the snack bar. It was the only man that she could snag for the trip, so she set up a date with him.  
  
"No, Yvonne, that was my make-up. And anyways, it wasn't doing you any good. I, however, was the life of the party last night. I didn't invite you, because I thought that you might ruin my chances with the most gorgeous guy at this whole God-forsaken ranch!" Petunia was very angry now.  
  
"I'm sorry Petunia. You are my best friend in the whole world. Let's never fight again," said Yvonne.  
  
Petunia got a blank look on her face and then stupidly said, "Okay. Let's go to the gift shop and buy more make-up."  
  
The two left, and they left a group or teenagers almost hysterical. Lily, James, Sirius, Emily, Remus and Bridget were all hidden under James's invisibility cloak. Lily had enlarged it, to make it cover all of them.  
  
"Lily, what was your mum on when she was pregnant with Petunia?" asked Sirius playfully.  
  
"Please tell me she is the victim of some mutation in the gene pool," implored Emily.  
  
"Let's just hope she doesn't have children. I would hate to be the aunt of such daft offspring," responded Lily.  
  
"Let's just hope you don't have children. There's about a twenty-five percent chance of the poor child resembling that thing that you call your sister," James teased.  
  
Lily hit him on the arm jokingly, but it still was a bit painful. Lily didn't look it, but she was very strong when she wanted to be.  
  
"Ouch! Hey, I was only joking you."  
  
"I know, but it wasn't very funny. Imagine, me parading about with some awful baby that has a strange resemblance to an unsightly horse! I would rather die an old maid than mother a child like that!"  
  
"Your mother mothers a child like the one you just described," Bridget pointed out.  
  
"Well, she also has me. And I more than make up for it," replied Lily.  
  
"Somebody's got a big head," mumbled Sirius, just loud enough for Lily to hear. She hit him-hard.  
  
"Yeouch!" exclaimed Sirius. "What was that for?"  
  
"Hurt's, doesn't it?" added James.  
  
"Ha!" laughed Remus. "She got the both of you and I remain unharmed!" Lily made a move to hit him, but he moved out of the way. "Come on, Bridget. Let's get out of here before Lily turns dangerously violent."  
  
The two left the room.  
  
"Well," drawled James, in what he thought was a sultry voice, "Now that we're alone, Lily we can have some real fun."  
  
"Oh yes! I've been waiting all morning for this," responded Lily in the same tone.  
  
"Ahem," Sirius cleared his throat. "You aren't i entirely /i alone. I'm afraid Emily and I have not exited yet."  
  
Lily and James broke apart; they had previously been rather involved in some intense snogging. Neither of them seemed remotely abashed. "He's got a point there," concluded James.  
  
"That's nothing that we can't change." Lily caught James's eye and their eyes agreed. Before Sirius and Emily knew what was happening, the couple had pushed them out of the room. They then locked the other two out.  
  
"I am outraged!" Sirius began, "How dare they force us out? And we call them our best friends! That's two people I can cross off of my Christmas card list!" He was faking indignation, and Emily found it very amusing.  
  
"Well. . . We can always go off in search of some single horseback riders."  
  
"Now then, what are we waiting for? Let's get on with it!" The two set off, holding fast to the belief that not all the people here could be old and/or ugly.  
  
The rest of the morning passed rather normally. Sirius had offended some girls, earning him four slaps and endless teasing from Emily. Lily and James were continuing what they had started. Mr. and Mrs. Evans spent the day at the café, sipping iced tea. Petunia and Yvonne were looking at the make-up in the gift shop. It must have been ten years old, at least, and held chemicals that had been banned right after the product hit the stores. They were trying to choose which one would last the longest and go on the thickest. Remus and Bridget hadn't been seen since they had run from Lily.  
  
Lunch came. Everyone was supposed to meet at the café where Lily's parents had spent their morning. The adults were shocked at the appearance of the others. Lily and James were looking very ruffled. Lily even had some ugly bruises spotting up around her neck. James's chin was bright red, as was Lily's, he also had some traces of lipstick on his face. Sirius face was showing four oddly shaped welts. Emily's mascara was running because she laughed so hard at Sirius, that she cried. Petunia and Yvonne never showed up; they were too busy contemplating over make-up. Remus and Bridget also were absent- they had said something about taking a picnic lunch and riding some of the horses.  
  
"My, oh my, dears! What happened to you?" questioned Mrs. Evans.  
  
"James put a curse on me! Look! It gave me all of these bruises," exclaimed Lily.  
  
"Well, she tried to put make-up on me! I tried to make the spell backfire, but it just smudged both of ours."  
  
"That's not even the worse part! I tried to turn James's skin bright red, but he had a Reflector Charm on his head, so I only got his chin! Then, It backfired on me and turned my chin red!"  
  
"You brought this on yourself, Evans!"  
  
"Ha! You cast the first hex! The red chin will fade in a couple of minutes, but these bruises are going to stay for days!"  
  
"Children, children, please stop this bickering. I want you both to act as mature as I know you can be, and have a nice lunch with us." Lily's parents were not very observant. Most parents would have been suspicious when they saw their daughter with hickies scattered about her neck, but they believed that it was just symptoms of some wizard duel. Besides, Lily and James were doing an excellent job of pretending to hate each other. No one who didn't otherwise know would have thought that they were a couple.  
  
"Good God, Sirius. What happened to you?" Mr. Evans's question was enough to send Emily into hysterics.  
  
"He got slapped by four different girls! Four! It was hilarious! One girl looked as if she couldn't even swat at a fly, and she slapped him the hardest." It was hard to understand what Emily was saying because she was laughing so hard. Everyone at the table chuckled at Sirius's antics.  
  
Lunch was an enjoyable affair for everyone. The dominating topic of conversation was what everyone was going to do with the rest of his or her day. Lily said she was going to retreat to her room and see what she could do about the hickies. James needed to, first, wash his face free from the make-up, then, he would explore the ranch a bit more. Sirius would try again with the ladies, and Emily would flirt with some of the attractive stable boys. Mrs. Evans would be working on her tan, and Mr. Evans would be joining her.  
  
As soon as the check was paid for, they all went their separate ways. James actually went to Lily's cabin, so that they could wash up and then explore the place together.  
  
"Ready?" asked Lily. She was dressed in jeans and a turtleneck sleeveless shirt, to hide the "bruises".  
  
"Yeah, come on," said James. "Let's go off and search for Remus and Bridget. We'll probably only find them picking daisies and blushing but it's worth a shot."  
  
"Oh, be nice now," reprimanded Lily. "They seem to be perfectly happy with that. Anyways, I notice that I you /I don't take me out to pick flowers or any of those romantic things."  
  
"But we spend out time in a much better fashion." James raised his eyebrows in a suggestive way. Lily couldn't help it- she giggled in spite of herself.  
  
The two left the cabin and decided to ride some horses on a horse path to find Remus. Lily was riding a beautiful chestnut horse with hazel eyes. James was riding a black horse with a white star on its forehead. The horses' names were Rosetta and Windblaze.  
  
They had been riding for about ten minutes when they heard some strange noises.  
  
James asked Lily, "Do you hear that?"  
  
"Yes, it sounds like- but it couldn't be. Could it?"  
  
"There's only one way to find out. Come on"  
  
"I just hope we don't walk in on anything that's too personal. . . You know what-" Lily stopped in mid-sentence. She stared ahead. James followed her gaze and felt his jaw drop in short order.  
  
It was Remus and Bridget.  
  
It was Remus and Bridget- only, Remus and Bridget as no one had ever seen them before. They were in a clearing, on top of a blanket that had obviously been used for the picnic. They were still clothed, ("Thank God!" exclaimed James) but it wasn't certain how long they would stay that way. Remus had his hands up Bridget's shirt. Was this really the same Remus who would blush whenever he just touched Bridget's hand? Bridget was flooding his face with hot, wet kisses. It seemed as though Lily and Bridget would be having identical necks tomorrow.  
  
"James, let's go. I don't think we should be here right now," suggested Lily.  
  
James could only nod his head.  
  
When they reached Lily's cabin, James finally was able to talk. He had just been mouthing wordlessly for the whole ride back.  
  
"Remus?" he asked. "Remus? I would never have guessed this. This is something you would expect from I us /I not I them!" /I  
  
"Indeed. Bridget is always blushing when Emily and I talk about our dates. What next? Is Snape going to ask you to be his steady?"  
  
James frowned at the thought, "I hope not."  
  
"Let's not mention this to them or anyone else. I don't want to make them talk about it if they don't want to. I'll leave it to Emily to tease Bridget about her hickies. Plus, I don't want them to think that we were spying on them."  
  
"I think that they heard us. I don't think that they knew it was us, but they must have heard the horses and stopped. I looked back and that's what they had done." James was right. Moments later the front door was opened and in walked Remus and Bridget. They had obviously tried to fix themselves up. They looked much neater than they had in the clearing. Both were looking extremely happy.  
  
"Are you guys ready for dinner?" asked Bridget.  
  
"Erm, yeah," said Lily and James at the same time.  
  
The magical members of the group all went out for some Muggle fast- food. They drove in Lily's car to the nearest McDonald's. Everyone was too tired to do anything after dinner so they all headed back.  
  
It was too awkward for Lily and James to be in the same room as Remus and Bridget, so the two went for a walk. They stopped at a park bench to rest. Lily rested her head on James's chest. She was very comfortable. They talked about how strange their day was and before she knew it, Lily could barely keep her eyes open. She fell asleep.  
  
James didn't even realize how exhausted he was until Lily fell asleep. He didn't have the heart to wake her up, for she looked very peaceful. Besides waking her up, walking her back to her cabin, then, going back to his cabin, energy that he just didn't have. He closed his eyes and, just as Lily had done, was soon sound asleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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A/N: Did you like it! I made Remus a kind of bad boy! Yay! Review!  
  
I need help people. When you review my story, can you please tell me how to make words bold and italic? Nothing seems to work for me!! It's driving me insane!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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	4. A Day Without Petunia

A/N:  Here we go again… How do you guys feel about my version of Remus?  You tell me in a nice little review, will you?  Thanks to all the reviewers!  If you are one of those people who don't review, I have one question for you:  Why don't you?  It makes you one with the whole fanfiction.net community.

Disclaimer:  I own nothing and I admit it.  Don't sue me, although if you did, I would win because of my last little sentence.

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A Trip to the Ranch 

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A Day Without Petunia 

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               James and Lily were stirred from their sleep by the sound of two pairs of clanking footsteps.  James was first to open his eyes, and he was greeted with the sound of two very irksome voices.  It was Petunia and her friend Yvonne.  They were just now getting back from a day of looking at old and expired make-up.  James and Lily could not afford for Petunia to see them together like this, so they quickly formulated a plan.

               Lily came up with the best idea, which she hurriedly told James.  The couple would have to feign drunkenness- it was the only plausible explanation for them being out with each other so late at night.  Lily began to giggle loudly and James soon joined her.  Petunia would never guess that her sister was tipsy, but Yvonne might.  Lily and James hoped Yvonne wouldn't express her suspicions to Petunia, for they had no further plans of action.

               As the two Muggles rounded the corner, Lily and James found that they didn't need to put on an act for them.  Petunia and Yvonne were apparently being affected by the defective make-up.  If only they had been able to do without make-up, they would never have bought the flawed product.  It was causing Petunia's face to break out in unsightly blotches and Yvonne was developing a series of seemingly painful hives.

               Lily and James were overcome with the sudden urge to bust out with real laughter, so they left to go back to their separate cabins. James walked Lily to her cabin and said goodnight, but not without a short kiss.  He then walked the short distance to his cabin alone, and retired to his bedroom.

               The following morning, Petunia and Yvonne became aware of the side-affects of their new make-up, and refused to show their faces until they were again presentable, in their eyes, at least.  Lily and her friends were ecstatic over this news.  Petunia was nothing more than a nuisance at best, and Yvonne was unnerving because of her extremely non-magic behavior.  Lily and James wouldn't even have to be so secretive because the adult Evanses were not very observant.  Plus, they were thoroughly convinced of the supposed hatred between their youngest daughter and James.

               The friends were currently deciding what to do with their Petunia-free day.  Remus and Bridget amazed Lily by how they acted towards each other.  Had she not seen what she saw they day before, she would never had even guessed they had done anything more than give quick pecks on the cheeks.  She was itching to ask Bridget how long she and Remus had been like that.  By the looks of it, groping and snogging were nothing new to the couple.

               While Lily was lost in her thoughts, Sirius came up with the perfect idea.

               "Why don't we go for a dip in the lake?" he suggested.

               "Grand idea, Sirius!" exclaimed Emily.  She and Sirius had found a beautiful lake the day before that appeared to not be well known.  It looked as if no one had used it for quite some time.

               "What lake?" asked James.

               "Emily and I found a lake yesterday.  It's in a clearing of the forest.  We think that not too many people know about it," explained Sirius.

               "Great," said Lily, "how 'bout all of us change and meet back here in fifteen minutes?"

               "Sounds okay," agreed Bridget.  The others all offered simallar agreements and were soon off to don their swimwear.

               "You know what?" Emily asked Lily on their way back from the cabin.

               "No, what?"

               "I think that there's something going on between Remus and Bridget.  I mean more than they're letting on."

               Lily pulled a face.  She wasn't going to be the one to tell everyone what she and James saw.  "What gives you that idea?  If they ever even freely kissed, they would blush so hard that their faces would catch fire.  Anyway, don't you think Bridget would tell us?"

               "Well to start off, Lily, she's got bandages on her neck."

               "What does that have to do with anything?" Lily asked, although she already knew why.  She was hoping that she could convince Emily that she was just being overly suspicious. 

               "While you may proudly your lovely little 'love bites,' I think that Bridget is hiding them.  It looks like sweet, chaste Bridget isn't as innocent as we thought," Diana said teasingly.

               "You really think so?"

               "Of course I do.  We've been talking about her this entire time and she hasn't even looked our way."

               "She's here?  I thought she went on ahead."

               "Lily, she's right next to you."  Lily looked to her left, and there was Bridget, humming to herself with a slight smile on her face.

               Lily poked her friend to pull her out of her daydream.  "Oi you, wake up.  Tell us what's on your mind."

               "Huh?" Bridget said, perplexed.

               "Oh never mind, we're here already."  The three rounded a corner and saw the three boys leaning against the wall of the information building.

               "We're here!" Diana announced.

               "Finally, I was beginning to think that you were designing your suits instead of just putting them on." James greeted Lily with a quick peck on the lips.

               "Ha, ha, ha," she said.  "Very funny James.  Sirius, Emily, lead the way."

               Sirius and Emily led their friends through long, winding paths in the forest on the way to the lake.  Remus wondered if they had gotten everyone lost and were just walking in search of some familiar landmark.  After thirty minutes, which seemed like thirty hours to the group, had passed, they arrived at a clearing.  In the clearing was one of the most beautiful lakes anyone had ever seen.  It was like a smaller version of the Hogwarts lake, but this one wasn't teeming with magical creatures.

               "Oh it's so amazing," Lily breathed.

               Emily was the first to recover from the shock of the lake's beauty.  "Last one in is a grindylow, literally!" she screamed.

               Everyone threw off whatever clothing they had worn over their swimsuits and dashed into the water.  Ironically it was Emily who was last.

               "Emily, you do know what this means, don't you?"

               "I was just joking guys, honest.  I really wouldn't have transfigured you."

               "Oh really," Lily said as she raised her eyebrows, "just like you wouldn't have turned me into a bottle of shampoo?"

               "But Lily!" Emily protested. "Everyone loves shampoo, and wasn't it interesting to feel what a bottle of shampoo feels everyday?"

               "Well I guess you can just feel what a grindylow feels everyday," said Lily with a smirk.  "You do the honors, James."

               James pointed his wand at his girlfriend's friend and muttered a few words under his breath.  Emily opened her mouth to scream, but was stopped from the spell.  Everyone watched as her features turned into those of a grindylow.  She made futile attempts to attack her friends, but she was unfamiliar with the anatomy of a grindylow and stumbled many times.

               "How long do you think we'll keep her like this?" asked Lily as she and James watched Emily lunge herself at Bridget.

               "The curse I used on her only lasts about ten minutes, but I think Emily will have learned her lesson."  Lily laughed.

               "I'm getting away from her before she turns back.  I pity whoever is near her when she's a human again."

               James led her over to a shallow part of the water, away from Emily, and the two started snogging shamelessly.  

Emily, once back in her human form, was out for revenge.  She had already placed an Engorgement Charm on Sirius' head, making it so that his neck couldn't support the weight of his head.  She had dunked Bridget in the lake water, and she bombarded Remus with a horde of fish while he was swimming.  Now it was Lily and James' turn.

She silently crept over to where they were snogging.  She mustered up all of her strength and with a great shove pushed James.  James fell on top of Lily who fell right to the bottom of the lake.  When the two had resurfaced, they both sent Emily death glares.

She lifted her hands up in victory.  "AH HA!  NO ONE MESSES WITH EMILY BONES AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"  She was so caught up in her victory that she didn't notice Sirius creeping up behind her.  He used his overly large head to ram into Emily.  She lost her balance and fell, face forward, into the lake. 

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A/N:  Okay I'm sorry for taking soooooo looooooong on this.  My last post was what? Three months ago?  I feel really bad about that so I tried my hardest to get this out to you, my wonderful reader.

Now, just because you love me so, I think you should review.  In fact, I KNOW you should review.  So review!  Review and I'll be happy as a hippo.


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